The Final Week

... This time last year we were anxiously awaiting our baby boy's arrival into the world. It seems like it was just a blink of an eye ago. Now I'm putting the final touches on the planning for the 1st birthday party this weekend. It has been an amazing year and while I should be celebrating the fun, wonderful time we've been able to share together and the memories we've made over the past year I'm stuck in a funk... feeling a little sad and overwhelmed and alone.

My heart is heavy because my mind in consumed with the thought of going back to work full time and leaving my baby. It has been us for a whole year and although I know that daycare and a little work will be good for us both, I can't get past us being apart. I can't get past that someone else gets to spend 45-50 hours a week with him that used to be my time. I miss him already and for whatever reason I feel like like I'm holding on to water and he's trickling out of my hands.

And I worried about how I'm going to do it all when I go back to work. Mark is married to his job. He travels a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Like 2-3 days a week he's gone. His job/career is of top priority (not to say that he doesn't love both of us very much, because he does.) But I'm worried about living the life of a "single" working mom when he travels & works his very-frequent 12 hour days... getting up and getting myself showered & dressed & ready, getting the dogs out & fed & crated, getting Grant up & dressed & fed & packed & dropped off all by myself and then picking Grant up & taking him home & cooking him dinner & getting him bathed & spending some QT with him before putting you to bed, while also getting the dogs out & walked & fed (never mind the household things like the shopping, the dishes and putting out the trash, etc) all by myself feels really, really intimidating to me. I know that there are SuperMoms out there who do it all and I'm hoping that I can keep all of the balls in the air, while keeping some sort of balance and most importantly keeping Grant happy and letting him know that he is loved and cared for as much as he is.

This time next week everything will be different and just the thought of that breaks my heart in a million pieces. So tonight I held Grant in our rocking chair as he drifted into a sweet sleep and I cried - no make that sobbed. Because I don't want him to trickle. Because I don't want things to be different.

Just a reminder to you, my little bean, things may be different... however my love for you will always be the same and will continue to multiply with each and every day.

Tomorrow the little man will be 51 weeks old! I'll be back to post a new picture and will have a more upbeat post. :)